Rainy feelings…

I’ ve got some difficulties in understanding why I feel like this. I do everything I can to improve myself, I think million different  solutions to change my situation. I always thought we give a shape to our life by our choices and then God (call fate, destiny or whatever other word comes to your mind) send you things, opportunities, persons, love, hate…everything necessary to support your life. I probably made a mistake with this thought. You can be strong, trying everyday to love yourself, trying to keep the smile on your mouth; you are sure this is the only way to survive, to live. But then nothing happens, and you are compelled to change your state of mind. You don’t want to be sad, you fight to avoid that this could happen… but in the end this just happen. You can’t fight against life and against your destiny…whatever it will be. I know for sure I’ll never kill myself, only because of my low courage, but sometimes I think that death could be the missing point. In a life in which you look yourself in a mirror and you hate you. You are in a situation in which you’re losing  yourself everyday a bit more (perhaps you’re just off, but you’re convinced to be alive). I’m tired, I think I need a snatch in my life, but it’s like dying. I’m not able to hurt other people, nor myself. This is why I live like this, in a life that is not life, some kind of mid-life in which I can’t shine. I think that every people find a way to shine. I’m a black hole that blow everything (in a physical sense the same) that would love being useful in some way, but still can’t…